Being human…
Giving a talk on The Art of Conversation, I mentioned a kind of conversation called Thing Talk. Thing Talk is conversation about such subjects as weather, cars, fashion, computers, banks, money, widgets and whatsits, facts and information – any subject in fact except the people having the conversation – you and me. Subjects include abstractions such as management, quantitative easing, strategy, immigration, liberty, freedom, war against terror … how familiar we all are with such terms! But – note this – not a single personal pronoun: no I, no you, no me or us.
Thing Talk forms the common vocabulary of business and politics. If you have a business document to hand, have a look and count the number of objects and abstract terms – quite a lot? And now count the personal pronouns – not so many?
Thing Talk often uses passive grammatical constructions that dodge the necessity for personal pronouns, for instance, “It has been decided” or “Problems have been encountered”. It’s no surprise that business speakers use such non-attributable language to announce bad news:
After due consideration the environmental agenda has had to be postponed.
(not ‘we postponed’ or I ‘postponed’ – no personal responsibility)
But good news? Out pop the self-validating personal pronouns!
I’m very pleased to be able to announce that I have extended our flexible working scheme to include all of you, whatever your role.
People can tie us in knots with abstract language – it’s unspecified and unmeasured and therefore hard to pin down. If you ever become mired in abstract Thing Talk and want to regain some control or get the other party to assume responsibility, bring you and me back into the conversation – that changes the dynamic!
It has been decided that … bla bla …
So what exactly have you decided to do?
Yet how often people look down upon those who don’t have the business and establishment jargon. A highly successful rugby coach being interviewed for a sports programme was asked to talk about the factors that contributed to his phenomenal success with his team. The rugby coach, not highly articulate, struggled for a while to express himself. Abandoning the attempt, he suddenly burst out, “Oh, damn it – I just love the b*****ds!”
– a pretty shrewd description in my book. Erich Fromm commented:
Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence.
You and me – personal connection. That’s where trust is born. Build trust, and influence follows.
The hostage taking
Personal connection helped to save the lives of Camilla Carr and Jon James. This week I had a cup of tea with Camilla, a kind, warm and highly inspirational woman who gives talks all over the world to corporations and NGOs, in schools and in prisons, on the power of choice in challenging situations
In 1997 Camilla Carr and Jon James travelled to Chechnya to set up a rehabilitation centre for children traumatised by war. After three months they were kidnapped in the night by armed Chechen rebels. Held hostage for fourteen months they experienced everything from threat of execution, rape and mental torture to moments of compassion and kindness. They survived by using Tai Chi, meditation, humour, and crucially by creating a dialogue with their captors, looking beneath their masks of fear and anger to reach the small flame of love and laughter unquenched by the demonising nature of war.
Camilla and Jon wrote a powerful book, The Sky is Always There, on their experiences. Time and again, in the worst experiences of their captivity, they emphasize human connection. The book begins with this quote:
Being human
our nature is love
our nurture is fear.
The power of human connection
“Being human….” When we converse on a human level and express personal thoughts, feelings and intuitions, we have the opportunity to draw nearer to each other and build understanding and trust. When we use impersonal and abstract talk we maintain our distance and tend to keep prejudices in place. Drawing near (‘our nature is love’) we can influence each other; maintaining our distance (‘our nurture is fear’) we are much less likely to influence or inspire.
In our current world, all too often people’s use of language keeps them separated. You might want to spend a day or an hour listening to the everyday talk of your own environments to spot the language of personal connection and disconnection. It can be very revealing. Who uses which language? When do they use it? What about your own language?
Abstract talk is not going to save our planet; personal connection might.
This content is reproduced with permission.
Judy Apps, author, coach, public speaker and trainer. Specialises in Voice and Presentation, with emphasis on authenticity, connection, integrity and sheer life energy. Her book, The Art of Conversation is available at amazon.co.uk and amazon.com.
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